Closet Clean-Out

Wishlists are nice and all, but what really needs to happen is a thorough spring-cleaning of my wardrobe. So much of it isn't my style anymore, or what I have in mind for my style. It needs to go to someone who will love it. Everything needs to be laundered, but for me, I'm just happy I got through Step One.

I'm actually quite pleased with myself for how large my "to-go" pile is and how small my "maybe" pile turned out.

I decided to keep my underskirts, petticoats and socks. Two of those are necessary for most outfits, and people don't like buying used socks half the time, so I'm not going to sink energy into it.

Here is my "keep" pile:

See? Look how small! It all started with the Meta sundress on the far left. As soon as I took it out of storage, I smiled. I remembered how happy I was when I first got it in the mail. It was the true beginning of my Lolita journey.

Garden Alice is both a favorite of mine and an old, damaged dress. It had come to me in less-stellar condition, and I've never been able to really get it back to 100%. It's staying with me.

And then, of course, I can't let go of Sorcerer's Horoscope. She's too beautiful.

Finally, I've got one cardigan that I can wear with two of those JSKs, as well as my two underskirts. They can stay.

Sell Pile:

This is just about everything in my closet! I had to sit down and be honest with myself about how much I still loved the pieces. Some are no longer my style while others never were. Peter Pan collars and whatever's going on with Sugar Bouquet are never going to sit on me very well. Wheel of Time was never my favorite theme, but I kept it around because it was so comfortable.

I've also forced myself to let go of matching Rabbit Cafe to one of the titular bunnies in the print. It's never going to happen.

Finally, there's the Maybe Pile:

Only the pink and brown Baby cardigan, the black IW skirt, and Candy Bottle.

I was never head-over-heels in love with the cardigan, but I can still potentially make a decent coord with it if I put in some effort. As for the skirt and the JSK, I feel like I never really gave myself a chance with them? I had such plans for Candy Bottle, and the IW skirt can still fit in my new wheelhouse. I'll have to sleep on these items a little while longer.

I'm still not really sure where I'm going down the Lolita rabbit hole, but I know I'll feel a bit better knowing that these things I've held onto for so long will go off to new homes. "When" is a good question, current global climate in mind. My next step will be finding all of the detachable bows and waist ties, as well as going through my headwear to see what else I can sell.

If you have any closet clean-out photos or stories, I'd love for you to share! Go ahead and let me know in the comments below.

Hey, Y'all, We're Going to Talk About Feelings

Buckle up, kids, because I'm about to take you on a ride through my personal, emotional, rollercoaster when it comes to Lolita fashion. In my sort of rebirth into the hobby, I decided to bring with me my newfound need to cut the exclamation points and sugar/salt that this blog had previously and let myself be a bit more real.

Content warning: we're going to be talking about mental health, self-loathing, depressive behavior, and disordered eating. If you want to skip this post, please feel free. My next post will be in a few days.

In my return post, I mentioned how Lolita feels "safe" again like it was ever dangerous. The truth of it is that my mental health is extremely poor and latches onto whatever is in reach. For a long time, I fixated on Lolita.

I used it to justify tearing myself down. I'm not pretty/thin/put-together like all the rest. Why do I bother? I can't socialize with my comm because I'm so cringy and awkward and gross at being a friend. And why am I spending this much money? I should be saving it for real-life things like a house or a new pet or paying off debt. Why am I so irresponsible? These things don't fit me anymore, anyway. If I was Responsible and Good, I would sell everything off and put it towards my wedding/debt/work attire.

All these thoughts got worse every time I talked about Lolita out loud or tried to wear a coordinate. I think my last attempt was in 2018 for my first renaissance festival (it was slapdash).

After that, I stopped trying.

But my mental health never got any better. It adapted and had me criticizing myself for other things. I'm spending too much money on food, I'm not social enough, I need to exercise more and stop eating, I deserve all the bad things that happen to me, my attempts at story writing are laughable and I should give up-

And on and on.

I can't even allow myself to like everyday things. So often have I heard that what I enjoy watching or reading is bad, or why I'm wrong for not liking something different. I don't defend my pop culture or preferences in everyday life with the same ferocity of a Lolita, anymore. Instead of why I like things, I learned to head off criticisms with "Idk, I just like crap."

Somewhere in this pandemic mess we're in, I've found that my anxiety and depressive episodes have drastically reduced. I'm not working or making money, but being home keeps me calmer. I have unlimited time to work on my projects and consume my favorite shows and books. When the weather's nice, I take the dog out to play for a bit. When I bake, it's for my SO and I, not for work. Maybe that's given me room to like things again.

I got curious about where the fashion had gone in my absence, so I started poking around LaceMarket and the brand stores. I really need a new everyday purse, anyway, and I told myself a long time ago that it's okay to have a Lolita bag for everyday. I was surprised at how nostalgic it all ways. That, and a classic case of the warm fuzzies when I saw dresses that were on my old wishlist or ones that I'd add in a heartbeat now.

That's when I started thinking... maybe, it's not so bad to go back. Maybe I can have one or two coordinates that I like. I don't have to have a big wardrobe, though I still swoon over a packed closets. And I don't have to go to meetups or anything, either. I can just have fun and feel that happiness again. I realized that I was falling in love with Lolita fashion for all the same reasons I did before.

I'm allowed to be feminine, and I'm allowed to define my femininity. It's okay if ruffles and dresses and floral prairie prints make me happy. It's okay to like lace and cats and ribbons.

I'm allowed to like things.

That goes for you, all, too.

Back in the Saddle 1: What Stayed

While I work on things and wait and try to learn patience to re-start my Lolita journey, I thought it would be fun to share something I've discovered about it: my wishlist evolution.

I've taken LovelyLor's video about starting over to heart a bit and began rebuilding my wishlist, swearing to look out only for things that I truly love and wait for dresses that are special to me. But first, I had to clean out the old one. There are a lot of new pieces, a lot of things that were pulled, and a shocking amount of dresses that remain! I don't want to start on a downer, so I thought I'd share what's being kept around on the list!

Top: IW Strawberry Jam, AP Royal Unicorn, MM Fraise Cerise

Middle: AP Horror Garden, Meta Lace-Up Tiered Long JSK, AP Marine Kingdom

Bottom: IW Fairy Tale, AP Chocolate-Chan Going Out, AP Dreamy Perfume

I don't think this is an exhaustive list, but it's basically everything. I'm surprised at how much Angelic Pretty is still there.

A lot of these are nostalgia pieces for me. Many of them were around for my formative Lolita years and I've never lost my love of them. Everyone who's ever read this blog knows how much I love Strawberry Jam, Fraise Cerise, Chocolat-Chan, and Fairy Tale.

Horror Garden and Royal Unicorn are pieces that I've always wanted but stayed on my mental backburner for a long time. I would love to add them to my collection. Unicorns are my favorite mythological creature and I need more Gothic prints in my life. I always have.

Revisiting the Lolita world made me realize how much I love perfume prints, so Dreamy Perfume stayed. I won't say no to any perfume prints if I'm honest.

The Meta JSK is simple in comparison, but I still love it. In fact, that might be why I still love it. You'll see in future posts how I'm gravitating well away from busy prints.

Finally, there's Marine Kingdom. I have no excuse, I have no reason. Mermaids and mermaid prints are great. I love that neckline and I can't tell you why. Seashell lace. Pearls on the bow. Mermaids.

I hope this was fun! I tried to be more light-hearted because I know the last post was kind of heavy and the next one's going to be heavier. After that, expect a post about the pieces that were cut from the wishlist, then a post about the ones that were added!

Stay safe!

When Saying Goodbye Doesn't Work Out

So, it looks like I haven't posted in well over a year. I'm sorry I vanished without warning, but I have to be honest.

I almost left Lolita fashion.

It's not a big bomb-dropper because I've never been very active in the community, but it was a big deal for me as an individual. Keeping up with the hobby hasn't brought me joy in a long time. In fact, it did the exact opposite. Weight gain coupled with ever-stressful financial burdens and feeling like I didn't belong in Lolita murdered a lot of my desire to keep going. I haven't worn Lolita in a very long time (if we're not counting socks and the occasional headband or scrunchie).

On top of all of that, I've gotten a dog, been trying to plan a wedding (R.I.P. my Beltane wedding date. Thanks, coronavirus), and started writing books.

It cropped into my life every now and again, of course. I follow Cupcake Kamisama, ScarfingScarves, and LovelyLor on YouTube, as well as the #oldschoollolita tag on Instagram. And I never sold off my wardrobe. I think I was too afraid of letting go of something that made me feel so much joy when I convince myself daily that I don't deserve it.

But there are other things I want to pursue, things that didn't make me feel quite so ugly about myself. I want to get into LARPing. I'm flirting with the idea of making Sims videos. I want to reconnect with my Wiccan spirituality. I want so desperately to write stories. And I told myself that Lolita wasn't as good, or as important, or as attainable as these things.

Lolita fashion, to me, had that crucial keystone of Community that I always lacked and never found. Why bother?

I can't tell you what's changed. Maybe it's the weather, or the fact that my coping mechanisms have drastically shifted in the last year. But Lolita feels safe again. I see clothing that makes me fall in love. And something in my heart tells me that if I achieve the career-related goals that I had set for myself this year, then maybe - just maybe - I can do this. And I don't need a community to love clothing.

It feels like I'm starting over fresh. Trends have changed. My wardrobe needs rebuilding. But this time, I'm coming in with the knowledge of how to do it. I need to rein it in with purchases and other things in my life.

I have some posts planned going forward that are related to this, but I think this is where I pause for the time being. I've missed blogging, too. Have a good night, everybody, and stay safe!