When Saying Goodbye Doesn't Work Out

So, it looks like I haven't posted in well over a year. I'm sorry I vanished without warning, but I have to be honest.

I almost left Lolita fashion.

It's not a big bomb-dropper because I've never been very active in the community, but it was a big deal for me as an individual. Keeping up with the hobby hasn't brought me joy in a long time. In fact, it did the exact opposite. Weight gain coupled with ever-stressful financial burdens and feeling like I didn't belong in Lolita murdered a lot of my desire to keep going. I haven't worn Lolita in a very long time (if we're not counting socks and the occasional headband or scrunchie).

On top of all of that, I've gotten a dog, been trying to plan a wedding (R.I.P. my Beltane wedding date. Thanks, coronavirus), and started writing books.

It cropped into my life every now and again, of course. I follow Cupcake Kamisama, ScarfingScarves, and LovelyLor on YouTube, as well as the #oldschoollolita tag on Instagram. And I never sold off my wardrobe. I think I was too afraid of letting go of something that made me feel so much joy when I convince myself daily that I don't deserve it.

But there are other things I want to pursue, things that didn't make me feel quite so ugly about myself. I want to get into LARPing. I'm flirting with the idea of making Sims videos. I want to reconnect with my Wiccan spirituality. I want so desperately to write stories. And I told myself that Lolita wasn't as good, or as important, or as attainable as these things.

Lolita fashion, to me, had that crucial keystone of Community that I always lacked and never found. Why bother?

I can't tell you what's changed. Maybe it's the weather, or the fact that my coping mechanisms have drastically shifted in the last year. But Lolita feels safe again. I see clothing that makes me fall in love. And something in my heart tells me that if I achieve the career-related goals that I had set for myself this year, then maybe - just maybe - I can do this. And I don't need a community to love clothing.

It feels like I'm starting over fresh. Trends have changed. My wardrobe needs rebuilding. But this time, I'm coming in with the knowledge of how to do it. I need to rein it in with purchases and other things in my life.

I have some posts planned going forward that are related to this, but I think this is where I pause for the time being. I've missed blogging, too. Have a good night, everybody, and stay safe!